here's my favorite text message while waiting for the salary to reflect in our bank accounts:

   " Bugtong bugtong..

   ayan na

   ayan na

   di mo pa nakikita..

   Sagot?

   SAHOD!

   Hehehe"

we'll i've been meaning to write those messages that i have received that reflects what and how i feel right now.  but that would be too glum.  i'm deleting them right now.  but here's a few that i really like. 

" Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they MISS you. 

 Someone who knows that you're not perfect, but treats you as if you are.

 Someone whose biggest fear is losing you.  One who gives their heart completely.

 Someone who says i love you and means it.

 Last but not the least..

 Find someone you wouldn't mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles, and your gray hair but still falls in love with you all over again.."

"Never be assured that love is enough to make someone stay or come back to you..

because when pain strikes the heart..

love fades no matter how great it was."

And there was this line in Star Cinema's Dubai, i watched it again with baboon since i stayed at their place during the whole weekend.  Forgive me if i got this wrong, most probably I did.

"Alam kong dapat magpatawad.  Alam kong dapat mag move on.  Pero masakit pa.  Kaya in time.  In time."

memory bank entry

sometimes you think a story is over.. or maybe i just pretend that it ended.  with whole honesty i have been thinking that it's not yet finished, but i'm making everyone around me believe that it is. 

-= just once =-

stupidity, this is full of stupid shit:

should i give it a try?  won't it be just like before?  would there still be a point to make?  haven't we tried already the first time? 

i told myself to stop saying that i haven't tried everything.

won't i just get hurt? again?

i need consistency in what you're saying with your actions and in what you want me to feel with what you are actually doing.  i need you to be sensitive with my emotions.  i need you to accept me as me.  i need you to make me feel that i don't need all these because that's already how you are.  all because you love me, for real.

-= bitterness =-

and all that was bull shit. apparently what was said and sort of promised has turned into ashes. 

the funny thing is it didn't have the decency to let me know.  how the hell should i know that the words it said no longer stand? 

and yes, i will get hurt.  but i'm already hurting, long before, so, what difference should it make if it told me what's really happening? 

the difference, it would give the will the move on. 

so, why hold back?  because it is selfish. 

i have asked from time and again to tell me, whether it's true or not, that it's the end, but it just won't.  now, that it's true, it still won't. 

maybe i have learned my lesson.  even though i wanted to so much, i didn't fall for the trap that i already saw. 

i admit, i'm mad at it for not being honest.  this should have been over a long time ago.  by now, i should have been okay.  and i really think that it's bull shit to hold back the truth just because you don't want that person to get hurt. 

the funny thing is, it thinks that i have this "curse",  that whoever harms me in any way or did something bad to me will have something bad coming.  it happened to master yoga.  it happened to grumpy.  and it said it's happening to it.  and that it deserves to die.

i don't wish people death.  that's the easy way out.  i sometimes wish it for myself. 

i still want it to be happy, with its choices and decisions, with its life.  but i wish it to have a long life.  preferrably longer than mine.

i no longer want it to come back.  i want it to realize its loss.  i don't want it to go back because it may change after the realization and i may believe that it did change and i may be stupid enough to take it back.

nah! it's no longer coming back.. now, i wonder.. was it even here?  yes.  call me stupid, but i believe yes, it was here.  it just left, sooner than i realized.  or maybe i realized that it was gone, i just wasn't ready to accept it. 

now, the story is complete.  the book is closed.  i'm no longer sure though if there's still paper and ink left for a new one. 

memory bank entry