��cogitation��

chapter one

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 08:36:00 GMT

again, i have been meaning to write, but work and my emotions stood in the way.. so here. i had this mental rule that i had to post just one per day.. or at the most three. but there are a lot of thoughts going on in my mind lately and i wanted to put them all in writing. so, this entry (and the succeeding ones) will be segmented to my thoughts. hahaha!

-= the dreaded day =-

and it once again came to pass.. and i can't seem to remember anything significant. oh! i went home.. at long last. and of course i received a lot of text messages greeting or wishing me a happy birthday. i didn't count this year. one of my crushes greeted me, or at least extended his greeting through someone else, and he did not respond when i said, "thanks po!"

at home, i have found a lot of changes. my brothers are fatter than i last saw them. my sister was kind of the same. i hate to admit it but she seemed a little taller. we had carbonara, there was ice cream and cake. but i found out one bad thing that makes me sad until this moment. my laptop is not working! it doesn't power on. it just blinks when you recharge the battery, but not its usual blink. i don't remember it blinking when i recharge it before. my brother used the battery of his laptop with mine and said the same thing still happened so, it seemed that it's not the battery. was it because i haven't been using it for a very very long time? it's just about 10 months since i got it. haaay.. so, there's like less reason for me to go back home any time soon.

it seemed that i have celebrated before the actual date. specially the days when i still have money to spend to celebrate. like my day out with mnf. it was a blast and i really enjoyed that day. a lot. how i wish it was my birthday back then, but it's not.

-= wall-e =-

haaay.. another movie that made me cry. i watched this with mnf and we both cried. hahahah! and i can't seem to get over it until this moment. and maybe i won't for a long time. maybe even after i see another movie that would again make me cry. maybe if and when my IM name changes it would mean i am sort of or kind of over it.

i can't tell more about my favorite parts without being in tears again. haaay..

-= my hair =-

okay, i haven't done anything about my hair yet, but i sure plan to. and i saw the perfect hair-do that i would really want. i was again with mnf and we saw the 2008 emmy awards and saw brooke shields' do and i love it. i just hope the hair dressers would be able to get it.

-= delete =-

i guess, i just can't do it easily. i can't just stop. i need to stop myself. by sort of removing her from my life. yes, it's supposed to be easy since she's so far away and it's not as if she's making a way to be part of my life again, but somehow, someway, she still manages to come across my mind and bother me. mnf said this is normal. and i'm still not that much of a loser. it's okay, it's normal. eventually, all would be well. yes, maybe it would take a year, like stitch did. well, it took stitch more than a year and we were together again. it's just that king kong happened and the bitches, that's why it was sort of easy. well, now, i don't have anyone, for real, but i do have mnf and the gang and of course my job.

maybe what's really bothering me is the fact that there were words said, words that are almost promises. words that at this point are just the right things to say but as i realize now, are just shallow and nothing.

i really have to let go. i don't need to hurt anyone in the process because i'd take the punch. no more false hopes, no more what if's, no more "have i done everything?" because i know i did and i'd just get hurt if i'd go on trying.

i'm sorry for making a viscious cycle, but you didn't give me a reason to stop. and maybe you did, but then you didn't give me the chance to stop it.

maybe i wouldn't be really able to answer whenever they ask why. maybe i would just let them think what they want to think about. i guess, i would no longer care if they would blame you or me. i don't want to say, "it just didn't work out," because you never worked for it, i did.

bitterness? now, the meaning seems blurred to me. maybe. but also, maybe i'm entitled to it.

i'm known for being pessimistic and i don't need more facts to feed my pessimism. i'm back to building walls, crying underneath the laughter, and somehow wishing and hoping that someday i'll be numb from all these.

crazy wakka said, everyone desserves to be happy. and maybe i do. mnf wants me to be happy. all i need is to love and be loved.

-= gifts =-

i'm really grateful that there are still people who remembered my birthday. even if i wanted to forget it myself. thank you to those who gave me gifts. i was like a kid when i received them. i'm excited to finish the book i'm currently reading so i can start reading the bob ong books from mama bear. i was so proud to receive a tumbler from the captain. and i was really giddy and all. even if i won't be able to put coffee, or anything hot in it, it's okay. at least, i was able to put the one i was using in the locker for good. so, i'm really grateful. thanks!

-= cam =-

they're all just jokes. people to make me smile and make my heart skip a beat.

C. is for computer jester. bwahahahahahahahah! well, it was actually a long time ago. something i didn't really pursue because of bliss and some other turn offs and i was sort of afraid. but now, since bliss is gone, actually, so is he, a few "hehehe" and "adik" moments from him doesn't hurt.

A. is for experiment 280 cross with experiment 576. bwahahahahaha! mnf used to like him but he has this flaw. which still holds me back. i found one reason to believe mnf, and i'm looking for two more. i need something that he would show me, personally. not something i would analyze and think of. like the first reason he gave me. but i seem to have countless reasons to prove otherwise. i don't want another stitch. because stitch is stitch. and i would want him to accept who he really is.

M. is for oogway. :) he was the first breath of fresh air. and it may seem that nothing really followed, everyday seemed to be easier. i know there's nothing more to this. for all of them actually. but sometimes it doesn't hurt to smile.

there's really nothing much i can do here. maybe because i'm a girl. the answer maybe none of the above, but now, they help me get through the day.

-= good bye, king kong =-

he's leaving. i don't want to ask why. i don't want to ask where he's going. it's his last week. i guess i would forget. he said that i did. actually his words were, "ikaw lang naman ang nakalimot satin eh." i needed to. because of bliss. and even if that's over, i don't want to go back. i never get to write the letter i meant to write for him, even if just for here. i guess that's alright. i would just want him to be happy and be faithful and contented. maybe he is now. and i'm really happy for him. thank you for all the memories. they may be forgotten, but they were surely cherished. even for just a time.

-= on my own =-

song of my life

And now I'm all alone again,

No where to turn, no one to go to

Without a hope, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to

but now the night is near,

and I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping

I think of him and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

And I can live inside my head.

On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him

But when the night is over

He is gone, the river's just a river

Without him the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

I love him

But every day I'm learning

All my life I've only been pretending

Without me his world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known!

I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own.

my birthday wish list

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:42:17 GMT

here's the top 10 things i want for my birthday (in no particular order)

1. cute bag for my laptop - or just a cute jacket for it, then i can put it inside my big bag.. hehehehe! - Dimensions of my laptop: HxWxD (32mm/1.26"x 337/13.27"x 238mm/9.37")

2. digital camera - i don't know what specs i would like. i like ate faith's camera. it's a cannon, i think. i want lcd at the back. and other features. hehehehe! i also like the camera we saw during the eraserheads' reunion concert, all his shots were the best. i wasn't able to see what brand of camera he was using though.

3. confirmation - i know this would be too soon. and would be so close to impossible to. but then, i want to be confirmed as early as now, because it's my birthday, but it can go as late as november. hehehe!

4. books - well, i don't have a list right now. but i sure want books to read. good novels. bob ong books would be good. i've read a lot but i don't own any.

5. new bag - i've worn out the bag dandy gave me. i want something small that the guard would allow me to bring inside the office. but still would fit my things, well, it's just my wallet and cell phone, a rarely used comb, perfume that will be used more often by the 23rd and my cell phone charger. and trash.. bwahahahah!

6. starbucks tumbler - i received 2 starbuck tumblers during my birthday back in 2004, i think. from my officemates in artistic expressions. i kept both because i was using one at home and the other one in the office. i lost one here in sykes and managed to break the other one. i'm currently using my ex's and i want to return it back or at least put it in storage together with the other things she owns that are still with me. i don't need a very big one, a very small one would be of no use because i would need to go back and forth to the pantry to get coffee. of course, i want a cute design!

7. tickets - to movies, concerts and plays. hopefulle they're scheduled on a weekend so i would not need to file for a leave or even if it's on a weekday it should be during the broad daylight. sleep doesn't matter for me anyway. i want to see a lot of movies and concerts and plays. trying to add more art in my life. bwahahaha! i missed cinderella and a lot of movies and i want to watch more concerts, but maybe less than movies and plays.

8. dvds of complete tv series - the list would be endless, but i would love to have the complete season copies of the following series: ally mc beal, grey's anatomy, ouran high school host club (subtitled, of course), fruits basket (hopefully, dubbed in english, but englist subtitles would do), detective conan (again, subtitled), and whatever tv series that friends of mine would think i would enjoy.

9. movie dvds - your pick if it would be original or just pirated, but hopefully it's a clear great copy with special features. i love special features. hahahaha! the list for this would be much longer and i don't want to write samples. because i can't pick what i would want best. maybe julia robets', natalie portman's, johnny depp's and jude law's movies and great animations.

10. original music cds - the latest by parokya ni edgar matira matibay and solid, or their Christmas album, Jingle All the Way, the sound track of Rent, the sound track of 50 first dates, made of honor, runaway bride, and other romantic comedy flicks. Obviously, I love sound tracks and pne. And any other artist you might think would be good for me to listen to and hear.

... hmmm.. this list lacks something.. or someone.. but i know he won't be here on that day, even if just a greeting from him would do. haaay... *smitten*

prologue

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 01:14:39 GMT

this is to be discussed on a longer amount of time on hand. this is to be discussed with a much saner mind. but reading my old posts, back when i was all alone, or so i thought, i need to right about this.. my current state.

how am i doing? really..

i'm alone again. lonely, yes. but that's fine right? because i'm alone.

i still can smile. i can't laugh, for real, but i can smile. that's enough.

i know that there's an offer to be no longer alone, but is that the door to leave sadness as well.. maybe not.

i want my thoughts to be sorted out. i want to be able to decide and stand by them. my head aches, and i blame the physical aspects. but my chest aches too. i remember to have felt emotional pain that is so great that it's almost physical. now, i can't tell the difference.

all i need is to be loved. i have felt it. and i also felt it drift away.

i know i am the problem. or am i really? i just haven't found that one who would love me for me, inspite of me..

maybe bliss now realizes this. or maybe not. i guess, there's no telling what. until i take the plunge.

am i ready to fall flat on my face again? or should i just let it pass by?

Plumb Real lyrics

(Christa Wells & Tiffany Arbuckle Lee)
Look at me I'm twenty three
Beautiful a sight to see
Tonight
A little dress to draw the press
And I'll be leaving
All the rest behind
Well be pleased girl
If this is what you wanted
The whole world is watching you take the stage
What will you say
Aren't I lovely
And do you want me cause
I am hungry for something that will make me real
Can you see me and
Do you love me cause
I am desperately searching for something
Real
I close my eyes imagine time
Will not forget
My sacrifice
I numb the ache and decorate
My emptiness
Stand naked in the light
Well be pleased world
If this is what you wanted
This young girl is everything that you made
What will she say
Aren't I lovely
And do you want me cause
I am hungry for something that will make me real
Can you see me and
Do you love me cause
I am desperately searching for something
Real
The world goes home
The lights go down
My lipstick fades
Away
And do you want me cause
I am hungry for something that will make me real
Can you see me and
Do you love me cause
I am desperately searching for something
Real
(repeats)

Plumb Real lyrics

procrastinating

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:09:24 GMT

i had a really bad day at the office today..

hate rain..

and i'm still not going home.. but i'm not doing any work..

just waiting for flor.

i don't know what to do when i get home. i need to do the laundry.. then, what.. i know i won't get a good sleep anyway. i might just read, or go back here.. then, sleep?

sh!+

i'm back to being the grumpy old me. someone who can't express herself but has all the emotions to back it up. tsk!

stay out

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:33:16 GMT

If you'll notice, I never asked, when you will be coming back.. I want you to tell me. And I want you to be glad to be doing so.

There's this gutt feeling that you don't want to come back here anymore. And I sort of predicted that that would happen once you leave. It may be the reason why I wanted you to go. To get this done and over with. You, leaving.

I know I have been thinking that you don't want to go back, but I guess, emotions are something you can't really prepare for.

You left, and you're not coming back. You didn't tell me, but you told someone else.

So, I'm not really sure know what's hurting, you, not coming back or you, not telling me. All I know is, both does.

ode to joy

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:24:06 GMT

why don't i write when i'm happy?

why can't i make the words flow when i'm in love?

i thought of writing here while i was happy and in love. well, i did. there was a time that i did. and i was lost for words.

i thought of doing it again today, but then, before i got here, i managed to mess everything up.

life is a viscious cycle, yet it's equally viscious to end it.

reasons. i'm always in search for reasons. maybe i don't really know the reasons or i don't want the reasons i come up with to be right.

bound to fail

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:56:48 GMT

you have the power to make a day the best or the worst day of my life..

i'm afraid you unconsciously chose the latter.

i would be telling a life if i'll say i am miserable, because i'm not. but it would be an equal lie to say i'm perfectly fine.

i'm sure you'll ask what the hell's wrong with me, i'm about to say, "you." but deep inside i know that's just pain talking.

i'm a nut case. i don't have the answers to your questions or the reasons for my actions, but they are seen, said, heard and felt. they just can't be confined in words, and i have no means of letting you understand, but just hoping you'd know.

but i guess, not.

i don't want to count to reasons to stay and the reasons to go. i'm sure, the signs will show.

all i want is the best for you, but i guess, i'm the worst thing that happened in your life. at least, you make me feel that way.

someday, eventually, in the undetermined time in the future, we'd know.

i told you, it would be between your birthday and mine. i don't know what to hope, to be right or to be wrong.

the true me?

Mon, 05 May 2008 04:04:35 GMT

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you are a bit stingy.

You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be methodical in your ways - with trouble adapting to the rules of society.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's The True You?

wanted: best friend

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 06:23:02 GMT

i can't remember having best friend during the early years of my childhood. well, maybe i did, but if i look at it now. not that i was already considering one at that time.

so, i guess the first one was during our 5th grade. then, she got too serious with her studies during the 6th grade. then, she moved to a different high school.

then, i have another best friend. we don't call each other best friends because she has another, and i have another. but when it really comes down to it, we are the best friends. sophomore year of high school came and there are other things i like that she doesn't really enjoy.

had a whole bunch of good people to hang out with, laugh with.. but no best friend was emerging. until we discovered the same passion for books and hanging out. until now, we still consider ourselves to be best friends. but it's really hard to be best friends if you live in different countries now. plus, she's already married. i wasn't even there when they exchanged vows.

then, there was this girl who really hated me because she thought that i was an enemy, a rival in all that she has. i did make her run for her money, but i have not intentions of doing so. then, we became best friends too. among my high school friends she has the most number of letters given to me!

oooh! i had a best friend before the fifth grade! she was just younger than me. but we were so young then, that we don't really have much problems to share. we don't get to hang out a lot because people our age at that time don't do that. what we do is we exchange letters. everyday. with nothing much on it. then we moved, and they moved. i haven't seen her again, but we have connections now. we somehow found our way to each other. but there are a lot of years in between and it doesn't come back that easy. so, friends.. yeah. a little, i guess. i hope.

back to one of my high school best friends. well, we sort of made it until after high school but then she got pregnant and was ashamed of it, so she vanished. sort of. and it's like she hates us all now. i don't really get it. but there.

then freshman of college. had a best friend, too. but i don't remember calling her my best friend and vice versa. maybe it was just a given. but there were differences that we can't seem to settle. it was like we discovered we shouldn't have been best friends in the first place. cruel, but somehow true. we'd still look at our days together with a smile. no hard feelings. ugly but what the heck.

then, i had my second boy friend. and yes, he was my best friend. through and through. but the relationship has to end. even if i still wanted us to be best friends, he can't have it that way. so, i have to let go.

kampai. ba_rockz. kiki. time also passed and we all went our separate ways. college ended. they will always have a very special portion in my heart. they are the best friends that i had or still have that will know no time or space. they have seen my worst and all. so, i know i have a family to go home to. it's just sad that we don't see each other that much anymore. maybe after her board exams.

then, my batchmates at work. one got sick, the other one, was not really one, just insisted to be.

the skinny bitch came to my life. i'm not sure if she's on her way out. i hope not. but things are complicated now. well, a little. i miss our simple lives. just the two of us.

you ask how about? sprinkles.

she's not ready to be my best friend yet. she still has one. and there's this thought that she will fail at that department. maybe one day.

but for now, i'm alone.

grey's anatomy: my new ally mcbeal

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:47:50 GMT

MEREDITH: "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

- romantic, but i don't want to say this.. even if I think I already did.. in a way or another

GEORGE: "I guess we can't really complain about karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just evens the score."

- yeah..

MEREDITH: "I guess we're adults. The question is, when did that happen, and how do we make it stop?"

- I'm wondering the same thing..

ALEX: [to teenage patient who asks him to kiss her]: "Hey, listen. For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something... to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere... a kiss so hot and so deep that you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. You don't want to. Trust me. When you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything."

- suweeet..

DEREK: [pauses] "I'm not saying this to hurt you, or because I want to leave you, because I don't. Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

- contradicting.. ironic.. but something i understand.

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Nobody likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to the free fall. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you."

- i miss my friends.. the ones that i'm sure will catch me.. or at least try.

DEREK: "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know."

- just when i thought it was fresh air.. i got suffocated.

MEREDITH: "You really should take something."
CRISTINA: "Drugs are for babies."
IZZIE: "I hate Alex."
CRISITNA: "And the non sequitur award goes to..."
IZZIE: "I�m sorry, but I just hate Alex."
MEREDITH: "I broke up with Derek."
CRISTINA: "Burke wants to have a relationship."
IZZIE: "Boys are stupid."

- i miss my girl friends.. ba_rockz

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

- oh, pain..

DENNY: "Hey."
IZZIE: "Hey."
DENNY: "Do you believe in karma?"
IZZIE: "Actually, I do."
DENNY: "I think you might be mine."
IZZIE: "Well then you must have been very very good to deserve me."

- so, you tell me now if i have been good or have i been bad.. most will say the latter.

DENNY: "Hey. Don�t you have somewhere to be?"
IZZIE: "Yeah. Yeah I do. I�m there."
DENNY: [smiles] "Good."

- so, where am i exactly?

PRESTON: [enters his apartment] "I am Preston Burke. I am a widely renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon. I am a professional and moreover I am a good, kind person. I am a person that cleans up after himself. I am a great cook. And you? You are an unbelievable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke. And you... are the most competitive, guarded, stubborn... the most challenging person I have ever met. And I love you. Why the hell won't you just let me?
CRISTINA: "I gave up my apartment 20 minutes ago."
PRESTON: [pauses] "Well, alright then."

- sooo suuweeet!

MARK: "But what if you're wrong? Just this once, what if life comes down on the side of the dirty mistresses?"

- hahahaha! hurgh!

MEREDITH: [narrating] "I've heard that it�s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who�s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don�t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope."

- haaaaay..

GEORGE: "Why is he suturing his own face?"
CRISTINA: "To turn me on..."
ALEX: "Because he's Mark Sloan. The guy is like the go-to plastic surgeon on the east coast."
GEORGE: "That�s the guy Addison was sleeping with."
IZZIE: "Can you really blame her?"
CRISTINA: "No, not really."
GEORGE: "Yes, you can."
MEREDITH: "Well McSexy wants an X-ray to check for fractures and I think it�s a bad idea if I go with him."
GEORGE: "Why?"
ALEX: "I'm on it."
GEORGE: "Why is that a bad idea?"
CRISTINA: "McSexy?"
MEREDITH: "That's not right."
IZZIE: "McYummy?"
CRISTINA: "Mmm... no."
MEREDITH: "McSteamy."
CRISTINA: "There it is!"
IZZIE: "Yup."
GEORGE: "Allow me to choke back some McVomit."

- bwahahahahaha!